How to eat toast (when you're 2)

  1. Demand “Toast!” very loudly. There’s no need to say please.
  2. Continue to shout “Toast!” whilst jumping up and down throughout the time the toast is actually toasting.
  3. Then demand “Ham!” Of course you don’t actually want ‘ham’, you want ‘jam’, but switching constanants in a word keeps things interesting.
  4. Take the toast and whilst your mother’s back is turned, grab the whisk attachment to the mixer (with sharp pointy end that should be in the drawer, but handily is in the pot on the side) and repeatedly stab your toast.
  5. Once your mother has hastily removed the implement, grab the full box pencil sharpener and wait just long enough for your mother to have a fraction of a second to divert the contents away from your toast.
  6. Enjoy eating your toast whilst watching your mother cleaning up the pencil shavings whilst trying to stop you feeding any crusts to the dog (who is also having an attempt at eating the pencil shavings too).

It wasn’t even quite 10am…


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