He Always

He always wanted to explain things, but no one cared.
So he drew.

Sometimes he would just draw and it wasn’t anything.
He wanted to carve it in stone or write it in the sky.
He would lie on the grass and look up in the sky and
it would only be the sky and the things inside him that
needed saying.

And it was after that he drew the picture.
It was a beautiful picture.
He kept it under his pillow and would let no one see it.
And he would look at it every night and think about it.
And when it was dark and his eyes were closed he
could see it still.
And it was all of him and he loved it.

When he started school he brought it with him.
Not to show anyone, but just to have it with him like a friend.

It was funny about school.
He sat in a square brown desk like all the other square
desks, and he thought it would be red.
And his room was a square brown room like all the other rooms.
And it was tight and close.
And stiff.

He hated to hold the pencil and chalk, with his arm
stiff and his feet flat on the floor, stiff, with the teacher watching
and watching.

The teacher came and spoke to him.
She told him to wear a tie like all the other boys.
He said he didn’t like them and she said it didn’t matter.

After that they drew.
And he drew all yellow and it was the way he felt about the morning.
And it was beautiful.

The teacher came and smiled at him.
“What’s this?”, she said.
“Why don’t you draw something like Ken’s drawing?
Isn’t it beautiful?”
After that his mother bought him a tie and he always drew
aeroplanes and rocket ships like everyone else.

And he threw the old picture away.

And when he lay out alone looking at the sky, it was big
and blue and all of everything, but he wasn’t anymore.

He was square and brown inside and his hands were stiff.
And he was like everyone else.
All the things inside him that needed saying didn’t need it anymore.
It had stopped pushing.
It was crushed.
Stiff.

Like everything else.

*****

The teenaged author of this poem committed suicide.

We’re having a bit of a tough time here atm and the above poem was mentioned on a mailing list I’m on. It makes me cry every time I read it.

Not that long ago I blogged that R. was having a bit of a difficult time. He still is and it isn’t getting better, it’s getting worse, like how he was when we de-registered him from school over 3 years ago. We are awaiting a re-referral to CAMHS and have now requested a Social Services referral in a desperate attempt to get some support for him. We’re also going for a place at a Special School p/t as this may be the only way we get some respite (both R. and the rest of the family) and one of the support workers from a local charity we contacted has been in touch and met R. and taken him out on a bowling trip and agrees that f/t would not be an option for him (atleast initially) and that it might be a solution to offering us all a bit of a break. She knows a few locally HE-ed children on the autistic spectrum and also a local adult HE-er (who I also know) who is dx. Aspergers – it’s great to have someone to talk to at a project like this that doesn’t think that HE-ers have 2 heads 😉

However, it is very likely that the push from the local authority will be for him to go to mainstream school as being HE it’s very difficult for them to assess how he would cope in a mainstream school situation and they’re likely to prefer to try him in mainstream and then when it’s clear he can’t cope go for a statement. WTF?!

Our concerns aren’t academic, there’s no doubting that he’s an intelligent, articulate, capable boy, HE works folks! I kept repeating to Parent Partnership that it wasn’t anything to do with HE and that we’re planning to HE the younger two (she was surprised and said, “Even though they don!t have Special Needs?” – LOL). He wouldn’t last a week at a mainstream school and TBH I have my reserves about any school, but we’re pretty desperate here. There’s no way he’ll ever set foot in a mainstream school again (as far as I’m concerned). Why do children have to be pushed to the brink of suicide before anything is done? But then I can talk, I’ve waited this long to finally crack and go for an SS referral.

So if I’ve been a bit quiet of late, that’s why (that and how busy I am on top of all of this!)

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